ego is animalian.
there are several things i have a difficult time with, feelings are one.
i aim to spend my night sitting side-saddle on the best of them. then i watch.
i am an incredible display of dys/function. moving.
a kind experience.
aren’t we all.
makes me sit away in the writing.
i have gone.
so what am i to try on?
it was a deep blue dawn and the bed was wet. it was only sweat. i wasn’t that excited.
i heave myself off the floor mattress. i like it low.
brow sweaty, i rush to piss.
after, i wait for a long while thinking about one thing or another. not really being. not breathing. just stewing.
i am in a dark house. i often keep light by day. i like to give into the dark.
skin glows. in the blue light of dawn.
run you beast, the morning has come.
nothing heat can’t fix will drum.
beat feet, things to do.
i smile at the little story poem in my head. and the accompanying imaginary of humans in moving form and fashion that my eyes like to see.
i talk not of senses now. but of another thing.
i wash up and make breakfast. i eat. it is lovely. though i down it fast.
things to do.
i pull the computer over and begin hacking.
such a fucking hack. only does what she sees.
she hears as she leans.
come over and see, tell me what you think.
the heart is out can’t you tell that is me?
of course, but we don’t know you so only think what we see.
settle down now. you are all human beings.
what am i supposed to say?
what do i think i’m doing typing this? when no one, or someone might read. it will be destroyed either way in thought or in deed.
ah. it isn’t for them. it’s for you.
breathe into the places that taste awful and sad.
get into the water with them and be glad – you can have two feelings.
feel all of the feelings through senses un/yielding. care for the spirit in there, the body will write all your prayers out.
(excerpt july 4, 2018 ~ edit sept 22, 2018)