the pages arent ruffling like they used to
thats because you are on the keyboard.
so should i go back to the pen?
(transcription of written notes, switched indents) 15july2016
Time calls you from somewhere else
You hear it crying.
what am i doing wrong?
You are thinking and feeling. You are being a human. There is no right with that. This way. This way is the way of learning. of mistakes and great triumphs over your own fear, humanity, self.
I am offending, hurting; people do not like me or love me anymore.
love does not go away. if it is not there then what you felt was not love. If you can not feel love from there then you are not listening.
you create your own love then?
Yes. or don’t. but this is not the lesson here.
what is it?
Cold winds of hate push back the hair from children’s faces. The creek blows thick with mud and dust of old lessons, repeated. It is a season. It is a gradual, abrupt, natural thing. Humans have removed themselves from the trees and now they cannot drink from roots.
is it about racism or HATE-ism?
Yes. and No.
It is about recognition.
You are doing the work but you must accept in this that it will never be done.
so why not die now?
But it is not yet.
Just look. See what is needed. What you want to do has nothing to do with what needs done.
Callout to the (world/work/word) from your own (heart/head/heal). You are the life you seek. It is not a new lesson. But you can feel it new in you now.
I fuck shit up. I have cut out my own heart.
You little traitor, you. It’s okay, here you sit. Do you see? Did you learn anything?
I learned that my words are actions. That my thoughts can tear skin. That I must be aware of my pain because ignored it will spread to others.
So now what?
I ask the same.
You have imaginations of Partner. This is still your ultimate. the place where you think you’ll remember feeling settled.
Remember Our Future.
Here to Cole, you must realize it will never end. This is the work. There is never going to be a place of arrival. Just like humanity.
So I’m a model of all that I hate?
Yes and all that you love.
Because you feel empathy does not make it your pain or suffering. This is important for you to understand. It is, in the sense that we all experience human suffering, but you cannot “claim” what you have not known to be brought forth… what has not been your own experience. there is nothing to claim where empathy lives.
Your life being has boundaries. This has unfolded for you in 2 ways:
So what do you take from the last few times?
Um.. I take away that.
(writing conflation from relational and racial and international experiences. i claim responsibility for my participation and agency in harm and in healing. i am recognizing unseen patterns and talent for change in self, system. i feel honored to be alive and more than blessed to be experiencing the complexity of unconditional love and humanity, reflected. grateful.)