something in the way

A foundation of trust is the best way to allow for joy to take over when our feet falter. We have nowhere else to be but on our path. We are no one else but our selves. When we decide, there is a choice. That is all that is needed. Moving forward on a path that we choose is the only way to progress a journey. With each choice a decision is made, large or small. We total our past lives. They are stacked one on the other and we stand atop. A totem. On the shoulders of all those we were before. What I have learned, both useful and destructive (which can also be useful) is brought forth from these previous lives. Whether I can consciously remember or not, I am affected by the person I was, and was, and was. There is no birth of my soul that does not bring forth something. My smile, even hideous, can still bring a smile to those around me. I can still listen, like the trees have listened to me since I began to scream. To whisper. To breathe. I can still listen to you and feel what you mean. I can be affected or not. That is my choice. When time ends in this body I will bring forth new meaning to things. To my experience. This life has brought me lessons compounded as if I were three. As if there were three of me. An ignorant deity; a righteous human; a free spirit. I am all of these. It is the small things that make me ache: the sun  beaming on my skin and the flutter of trees. These whimpers of the universe are the evidence of interconnectivity. The cosmos breathing. If life is movement, give it all to me. Let me be movement itself. Let dancing be in every gesture I make. In the washing of a dish. In the calming of a friend. In the walk down the hallway, exhausted and trying to mend. Let it all be dancing. Let it all be connected to what I seek. Let nothing be separate from me. My dreams, my pain, my passion. These are not me but they are informed by the me that I cannot pinpoint. The elusive self that was present at the moment of my conception. Before any love, fear or experience shaped the vessel which carries me. The energy that I cannot name but that allows me to be. God has no name. No form. No distinction from anything. The eye cannot look at itself. It cannot see its own form or processing. I am quiet and she is quite still beside me. Love has no bounds while every word and every thought has boundaries. Limitless sky take me in. Let it move through me. Evolve and reflect. Fuck up. Try again.  Repeat. I am grateful that I keep going. I am grateful for thee. I am grateful to be silent and to feel worthy of existing. May I continue to be. Somewhere in my belly I know where I’m going. Where I am and where I want to be are two points. A line the shortest distance between. I sometimes prefer circuit-ry. Spiraling. Thank you to the lives I have lived and to all the many people who have loved me. I remember you in my belly. In the god of me.

written in her car at the park
March 13, 2023 4:18p est